Arrogance

how can some people be so arrogant?

i have been dwelling on this question for the past few days.

a few weeks ago, i was driving in obrero. the problem was there were two vehicles parked on both sides/corners. this made it difficult for me to see any oncoming vehicles.

so what i did was slowly push forward as i was carefully peering into the left side, making sure that no vehicle was passing through.

and then suddenly.. a white nissan terra came overspeeding and almost hit me.

just like this.

we both braked on time. however, the key point was the driver stepped on the acceleration just enough for it to jump. and then braked. rolled down the window, and both tried to give me a death stare.

and they were women, too.

excuse me? was i the one overspeeding? and was i the one aggressively driving?

some people could get shot that way. road rage can be blinding.

especially if the other party is not careful.

and i will say it though. yabang can be fatal.

Dear Anak: I Heard You Laugh Today

yes, i am now a father. quite recently. less than 5 months ago. and all i can say is that my life has changed for the better.

all my life i was always trying to be better. just to improve myself. i have had my failures and i have always tried to live not just for myself, but for other people as well.

but when my daughter finally came, things just changed.

ang una kong ginawa, maliban sa makarga, magpakilala, at mahulog ang loob, ay mangarap.

how could it be possible to have lived life so selfishly without even knowing it? or have we been living selfishly without intending to?

this is probably dad's favorite photo of us. he had it framed.

or rather, how can this moment make me realize that there was still so much more to give in this life?

hindi na ako nangangarap merely for myself. but for my daughter. everything i do, i try to consider how it will affect the life of my child. i cannot speak for my wife but i'm sure it could be similar for her as well.

and for the first time in what seemed ages, i heard by baby laugh. i made her laugh.

and how sweet it was to hear. this could be a thesis proposal. does the ears have a direct connection to the heart?

thank you, God, for making me experience how it is to be father.

Transformational 2023

 it's only when we look back do we truly understand what we went through.

2023 was a tough year for me but it was also filled with a lot of good.

at the top of my head, here are a few things that happened.

in January 2023 was able to move one of my businesses to a much larger space on the third floor of our current building. this made it easier for me to do the second thing, which was to renovate another room on the same floor so that there was a connection between my two businesses. this gives a lot of room for my medical aesthetics practice.

in March 2023, i found out that i was going to be a father. what a challenge and a blessing it would be. we delayed the pregnancy test as much as we could since i wanted to be really sure that it wouldn't be the wrong call. but, yes. the baby was on the way. downloading. haha in the same month, i was also able to go to my first National Convention by the Philippine College of Occupational Medicine (PCOM). i am a member after all. and the things i learned were so worth it. i had a chance to maybe mingle with some people there but i chose the rogue route. that way, i would be able to attend all the lectures i wanted without having to consider topics that may interest the others as a group. i find that learning could be best this way. there was one key moment there. a semi-retired physician who was probably in her early 80s. she said that despite having retired from Family Medicine, she would never give up Occupational Medicine. i loved the vigor she had for life. she also encouraged everyone to build up the field. may God bless her wherever she is. i remember she was from somewhere in Iloilo or within that area.

in April 2023, i was able to go to another convention, this time the National Convention by the Philippine College of Hospital Administrators (PCHA). one of our directors said it was a requirement to attend for my cohort to graduate. i reluctantly attended. not that i didn't want to. it just would have left a better feeling if it wasn't made mandatory. there i got to see my professors in the flesh but i didn't take pictures. seeing them in person was more than enough for me. long story short, my other cohorts graduated even if i knew they didn't attend. was i led on? i didn't like that part too much.

there were also two key moments there i go back to. there was a climate change activist who had sterling credentials. unfortunately there was no straight answer to my question. i just found it lacking. i asked if climate change could actually be prevented, and if not, why do we burn so much resources for it? she just said that we only had predictive models. it's a fancy way of saying we don't know. as a Christian though, i know things are just going to happen as it is written. 

it is what it is.

the second was when i talked about green financing. one of our directors probably liked the question because he said that if i ever wanted to build my own hospital, i should contact him so he could help me. it's a big thought but i am thankful for it.

in May 2023, one of my most loved dogs gave me a scare as she suddenly vomited blood. i thought it was something she ate because i gave her some chicken recently. i told Alec about it and good thing that he was able to bring her to the vet. she had to stay for a few days but i'm glad she was eventually discharged. they said she swallowed some plastic or something and was just trying to have her pass it out through food. i don't recall she ever did but i'll just give her the benefit of the doubt and be glad she is fine. having a dog confined is so stressful. it made me recall what i went through with dad.

speaking of dogs, we also adopted a new one. anak ni Skyler. we named him Chomper, just like the one from Land Before Time. and it was sad for me that we had to give Lizzy away to another friend of mine. i hope she's fine though because when i asked for an update recently, they said she was at her mother's place. i lift her up to God and ask she be protected.

it was a long time coming and it was funny up to some extent since we're both doctors. but Jec had another attack of hyperventilation. it brought back some memories when her friends rushed her to the emergency room many years ago. but now we're able to manage it at home.

i was also able to join as a research panelist for one of the medical schools here. it was a refreshing experience to have more to say. i realize that research is something that interests me and therefore i should write more.

this was also the first time in a long time that i woke up with a birthday song. thanks, Jec. :)

in June 2023, speaking of my business, i'm slowly transitioning my tattoo studio into a medical outfit by, yes, using medical outfits. we are now using scrubs! we're also trying to finalize the design of our third business that we are hopeful to take off. i also re-enrolled in Sparta so i could finish the Analytics Manager pathway. i ended up finishing 90% of the course except for the last few since i was focusing on my other skills as well. today, i have reenrolled but only in the chosen courses i have left. they gave me a PWD discount so it's much less than i would have normally paid.

in July 2023, it was my first time to travel abroad! go, Singapore! i love the place and it reminds me how much the Philippines could be so much better if only we had good leaders. but sadly, we only have leaders that are focused on optics. not so much on accomplishments. PRRD did a lot in his term and nobody will be able to come close to what he did as he steered us through COVID-19 as a country. but today, we're still not a Federal Philippines.

i was also able to finally get a research proposal approved but until now, i haven't moved too much on it. in time, i will be able to. i just have too much on my plate.

we also finally introduced Cham2 to the pack! he's currently doing great. even better. he's got some dominance concerns but he should be fine. he even got some of the girls pregnant! my goodness.

in August 2023, i was fortunate enough to invite the SPC clinic staff to go visit our studio and dental clinic. it was meant to be a benchmarking trip and they were able to get some insights on how we want the new clinic renovation to be.

in September, i was finally given membership in PAAAMMI. i'm thankful to my Consultant for guiding me through the process and for introducing me to the world of Aesthetic Medicine. there is less stress and more learning, even more family time here. but i still love Surgery. a few weeks later, i was also able to upskill with another learning center in Manila. it was great to widen my network with more than a few actual practitioners. the sad thing is that one of the models tried to take advantage of me. in short, the most expensive cases are often for free.

i also had one of the bigger challenges in my physician life. i was about to take an afternoon nap when i was informed that at least 10 students were having active fluid losses (vomiting and diarrhea). i felt there was something unusual about it so i had to rush to school. at the end of the day, we had about 50 students who needed our help. and thankfully, only a few had to be rushed to the hospital and they all eventually got discharged after a few days.

the funny thing about it was that it was one day before our official opening of the newly renovated clinic. another achievement for this year. how wonderfully the Lord makes all His plans work for everyone. imagine, if the renovation did not push through, our base hospital would have been overwhelmed with the 50 or more patients at the same time.

in October 2023, i was woken up by a loud crash and it turned out to be from a tree crashing down on the fence we built. this also signaled what would be one of my greatest challenges in my life.. the ones against family.

this month, we also welcomed Erick to the faculty! finally! great to have him.

in November 2023, we had problems with my maternal clan. i never thought we would get here but it wasn't a battle of our choosing. so i must go through with it. this will be a subject of another post.

it was also the first time for me to address a forum sponsored by the CES. it was on HIV, a topic i had to prepare a few hours earlier. it was a great experience because i was able to focus on the rise in cases not based on the person but by the behavior. this felt like a homerun to me.

i was also able to defend our research study for the school clinic. a big win for me personally since i have never done it before at that level.

i also received my Diplomate rank from the PCHA.

oh, by the way, my baby arrived!!!! and she's a girl. :)

in December 2023, not only was this the first Christmas we had with the baby, but it also signaled how the family dynamics was changing. again, the subject of another post. but i have also formed a huge part of my identity based on my family, but because of what happened and the things they did, maybe God allowed it to happen so i can focus on my baby.

either way, thank God for 2023. what a year it was.

I Will Never Have Peace.

 maybe im just getting older. there comes a point in life when amidst all the noise and everything going on, all i want is the opportunity to sit down and take a deep breath.

if im fortunate enough, maybe id have some food in front of me. nothing spectacular or extravagant.

never underestimate the humble 3-in-1 and crackers.

long story short, i am beginning to understand why too many chefs spoil the pot. or something like that. 

don't act like you're the leader when you're self-appointed.

there will always be one chef who believes he is doing everyone a favor by not taking the lead with consent, but to actively override anyone who dissents and acts like hes the only chef on the table.

i abhor it.

and for that, i have come to accept.

until the chefs are taken out of the table, i will never have peace.

on the rare times i allow myself to just breathe, you just have to come in and stab me.

though i will never stab you back, i will remember what you did.

and no, what you're doing is not okay. 

after all, you are the living embodiment of "everyone is equal. but some are more equal than others."

"Apat Ang Specialty Ko."

a few days ago, i had the opportunity to go to a national convention. it was great. being the curious person i am, it was refreshing to see how much i could learn about newer fields of medicine.

and everything was well and good. until i went to the socials that night.

i was just minding my own business while looking at the booths when one of the organizing staff (non-physician) asked a person (physician) who she newly met and asked, "ano po ba pala specialty nila?"

"wag na. haha apat ang specialty ko." he said.

that made me think. it made me reconsider how i live my life.

i just finished david epstein's book "range" which gave a different viewpoint of how the world is right now and how it should be.

it notices the world is somewhat in love with some being a specialist at the expense of losing out on a more balanced and wide-ranging generalist education. i suggest anyone who's ever felt like me, jumping around and feeling suffocated by being confined to one field of interest alone, should consider reading it.

short read. good breadth of topics. not too deep. exactly how generalists should be.

and i fault myself.

i have been going into different fields of medicine, as well as those outside of it because i feel like i am missing out.

almost everyone who knew me earlier than medical school knows i dabbled into broadcasting, producing shows for both television and radio, teaching, etc.

and i enjoy it. i truly do find it exciting to discover new fields and experience them as they are.

but going back to the convention where i was hearing their conversation.

of course, it wasn't meant for my ears (or was it for the general public to hear? sinadya marinig para magyabang?).

but it felt off. still deciding if it falls flat or wide enough from the mark. it just didn't sound right.

it felt like a combination of arrogance.

to be fair, mine is more of indecision and restlessness for discovering the world. (maybe he meant it that way. if so, he needs to work on his communication skills).

so the lesson for me is maybe next time when someone asks me what my specialty is, i would have to say i'm still figuring it out.

or maybe, that i have none. i belong to everything and everyone.

A Surgeon's Respect.

in one of those run of the mill busy days, we had this patient who needed to undergo hepatobiliary surgery. she was a young woman, in her mid twenties, who probably had a bit too much samgyupsal (or any fatty food).

when it came to doing our surgical rounds, i accompanied our consultant-surgeon, who was giving the last minute instructions to our patient as we prepared her for surgery.

sample tattoo for show. it was more of an eagle/dragon on the opposite side. but you get the picture.

this was an important moment. as we were checking her abdomen for the last time, this great surgeon said..

i-try namo nga mapreserve siya. (we will do our best to preserve it.)

that immediately brought a sense of relief, as we could see it on her face. 

nahuwasan gyud.

you could tell it was an issue she was contending with regarding the surgery.

and as you guessed it, the surgeon delivered. the tattoo was immaculate.

more patients to you po, sir. 

The Age of Dogs.

i remember the first time my father introduced me to dogs. i was around 5-6 years old, and dad somehow called me downstairs to the living room. i went downstairs and to the left, just in front of our ancient television set that was still not that ancient that time.

i squatted and he motioned for me to look at the back door, and there they were. two dogs came in rushing inside as if saying, "hello!!!!! it's me! love me!"

and i did.

dad named them Prince and Princess. Prince was a generally white dog mix with a brown "mask" covering the left (or was it the right?) upper side of his face. Princess, was black and white but i can't remember too much.

it makes me sad knowing things were much of a blur after. yes, it was definitely a core memory. later, i was outside, and tried pulling out something that was stuck in one of my dogs' mouth. it was a blue (or pink?) plastic that in hindsight may have contained food carelessly left somewhere. the dog gagged but it was a deed i would remember.

sadly, the next few memories i have of them were seeing them dead. i'm sure one was already rotting at the time as the smell was something that led me to the discovery. i never was able to ask dad how or why they died. that's something that i can still ask mom though.

still, the next thing i know, i was asking dad where he buried my first two dogs. and that's the end of it.

no crying. nothing iconic. nothing too dramatic. but still core memories for me.

and i still visit them now and then.

fast forward to today. i learned recently that some of the puppies we gave away did not even last 2 years. is this a breaking point in dog ownership? yes, accidents happen. 

but two things that do not count as accidents to me are: an aunt knowingly taking a puppy out to "show off" despite repeatedly being told by the owner-niece that the puppy was not fully vaccinated yet. the poor baby girl got parvo and died. end of story. the aunt pa ang galit.

meet Apollo, or Poypoy. this chap was two months short of his 17th birthday.

another story involved two puppies. one owner who, long story short said, "kung maligsan, maligsan." quite difficult to accept and i still have some trouble dealing with now. and it did. another, a sibling, died some 6 months later because of what i saw to be parvo. but no visits to the vet. just typical "tough don't care" attitude.

never again.

so what is the point of this post then?

i remember asking my dad how old dogs get to be and he told me about how his dogs died of old age, generally, except for those accidents. i thank dad for his stories and his introducing me to the love of dogs.

i hope to do the same.

so if someone asks me, "how old do dogs get to live?"

i'd say, "as old as you love and protect them to be."