I Wish You Were Here, Dad.

Dear Dad,

How are you? How's everything there that is beyond this world?

I'm trying to stop the tears from flowing as I write this.

I know you're in a better place because that's what God said. For if what God said is true, and if God is true, then I know you're probably having the time of your life.

Dad, I'm not doing so well. I'm struggling. 

I am experiencing the typical midlife crisis of being torn between so many paths. But at the same time, dad, I just wish I could talk to you.

I know the afterlife is real because God spoke through His Word that seers are not supposed to speak with the dead. And maybe have the dead speak back, that is. But He allowed it once with the prophet Samuel. 

So maybe He could allow me to speak with you? The chances of that happening are so slim. So I can God to tell you this instead. 

Dad, I miss you. I miss our conversations. I miss how you find some way of keeping everything grounded. Whenever I am overwhelmed, things become more real, but surmountable. Grounded.

Dad, one thing I always appreciated in you is that you never minced your words when the situations called for it. Alam naman natin how different my brother and I's trajectories are. But to you, we were both your sons. 

I uploaded dad's photo since I knew he wouldn't mind.

Whenever we talk, it was never about what was accomplished and who did it. It was just a quiet or silent acknowledgment that I had followed the program. That I had done well enough to merit a seat at your table. You were never about keeping someone out. But I just felt seen as someone who did what was expected. Not as a comparison, but just a recognition. And I appreciated that. Whenever we talked, I felt that I could be heard fairly and reasonably. Not dismissed as an afterhthought just because, "anak ka lang."

Sabi ko nga, I'm struggling. A part of me doesn't want to believe it. But am I struggling because I am cut from the same leather as you? Is it because I am dealing with the same people you did? Or is both happening at the same time?

Dad, I trusted you before I could speak. So I trust you now. So I will let you know. I am struggling.

You might be wondering what I am struggling with. It's about life, dad. There are people making life difficult. More than it should be. 

Have I told you yet, dad? Being a father made me realize how difficult things may have been for you. I remember the time you were so depressed that you couldn't move. I wish you fought harder, dad. Because it seems to be the only choice I have left. 

Thank you for keeping your word na magpapacelebrate ka when I would pass the board examination. At least may isang party natuloy at may laman ang sinabi.

Thanks, dad. Usap tayo ulit next time.

Arrogance

how can some people be so arrogant?

i have been dwelling on this question for the past few days.

a few weeks ago, i was driving in obrero. the problem was there were two vehicles parked on both sides/corners. this made it difficult for me to see any oncoming vehicles.

so what i did was slowly push forward as i was carefully peering into the left side, making sure that no vehicle was passing through.

and then suddenly.. a white nissan terra came overspeeding and almost hit me.

just like this.

we both braked on time. however, the key point was the driver stepped on the acceleration just enough for it to jump. and then braked. rolled down the window, and both tried to give me a death stare.

and they were women, too.

excuse me? was i the one overspeeding? and was i the one aggressively driving?

some people could get shot that way. road rage can be blinding.

especially if the other party is not careful.

and i will say it though. yabang can be fatal.

Dear Anak: I Heard You Laugh Today

yes, i am now a father. quite recently. less than 5 months ago. and all i can say is that my life has changed for the better.

all my life i was always trying to be better. just to improve myself. i have had my failures and i have always tried to live not just for myself, but for other people as well.

but when my daughter finally came, things just changed.

ang una kong ginawa, maliban sa makarga, magpakilala, at mahulog ang loob, ay mangarap.

how could it be possible to have lived life so selfishly without even knowing it? or have we been living selfishly without intending to?

this is probably dad's favorite photo of us. he had it framed.

or rather, how can this moment make me realize that there was still so much more to give in this life?

hindi na ako nangangarap merely for myself. but for my daughter. everything i do, i try to consider how it will affect the life of my child. i cannot speak for my wife but i'm sure it could be similar for her as well.

and for the first time in what seemed ages, i heard by baby laugh. i made her laugh.

and how sweet it was to hear. this could be a thesis proposal. does the ears have a direct connection to the heart?

thank you, God, for making me experience how it is to be father.

Transformational 2023

 it's only when we look back do we truly understand what we went through.

2023 was a tough year for me but it was also filled with a lot of good.

at the top of my head, here are a few things that happened.

in January 2023 was able to move one of my businesses to a much larger space on the third floor of our current building. this made it easier for me to do the second thing, which was to renovate another room on the same floor so that there was a connection between my two businesses. this gives a lot of room for my medical aesthetics practice.

in March 2023, i found out that i was going to be a father. what a challenge and a blessing it would be. we delayed the pregnancy test as much as we could since i wanted to be really sure that it wouldn't be the wrong call. but, yes. the baby was on the way. downloading. haha in the same month, i was also able to go to my first National Convention by the Philippine College of Occupational Medicine (PCOM). i am a member after all. and the things i learned were so worth it. i had a chance to maybe mingle with some people there but i chose the rogue route. that way, i would be able to attend all the lectures i wanted without having to consider topics that may interest the others as a group. i find that learning could be best this way. there was one key moment there. a semi-retired physician who was probably in her early 80s. she said that despite having retired from Family Medicine, she would never give up Occupational Medicine. i loved the vigor she had for life. she also encouraged everyone to build up the field. may God bless her wherever she is. i remember she was from somewhere in Iloilo or within that area.

in April 2023, i was able to go to another convention, this time the National Convention by the Philippine College of Hospital Administrators (PCHA). one of our directors said it was a requirement to attend for my cohort to graduate. i reluctantly attended. not that i didn't want to. it just would have left a better feeling if it wasn't made mandatory. there i got to see my professors in the flesh but i didn't take pictures. seeing them in person was more than enough for me. long story short, my other cohorts graduated even if i knew they didn't attend. was i led on? i didn't like that part too much.

there were also two key moments there i go back to. there was a climate change activist who had sterling credentials. unfortunately there was no straight answer to my question. i just found it lacking. i asked if climate change could actually be prevented, and if not, why do we burn so much resources for it? she just said that we only had predictive models. it's a fancy way of saying we don't know. as a Christian though, i know things are just going to happen as it is written. 

it is what it is.

the second was when i talked about green financing. one of our directors probably liked the question because he said that if i ever wanted to build my own hospital, i should contact him so he could help me. it's a big thought but i am thankful for it.

in May 2023, one of my most loved dogs gave me a scare as she suddenly vomited blood. i thought it was something she ate because i gave her some chicken recently. i told Alec about it and good thing that he was able to bring her to the vet. she had to stay for a few days but i'm glad she was eventually discharged. they said she swallowed some plastic or something and was just trying to have her pass it out through food. i don't recall she ever did but i'll just give her the benefit of the doubt and be glad she is fine. having a dog confined is so stressful. it made me recall what i went through with dad.

speaking of dogs, we also adopted a new one. anak ni Skyler. we named him Chomper, just like the one from Land Before Time. and it was sad for me that we had to give Lizzy away to another friend of mine. i hope she's fine though because when i asked for an update recently, they said she was at her mother's place. i lift her up to God and ask she be protected.

it was a long time coming and it was funny up to some extent since we're both doctors. but Jec had another attack of hyperventilation. it brought back some memories when her friends rushed her to the emergency room many years ago. but now we're able to manage it at home.

i was also able to join as a research panelist for one of the medical schools here. it was a refreshing experience to have more to say. i realize that research is something that interests me and therefore i should write more.

this was also the first time in a long time that i woke up with a birthday song. thanks, Jec. :)

in June 2023, speaking of my business, i'm slowly transitioning my tattoo studio into a medical outfit by, yes, using medical outfits. we are now using scrubs! we're also trying to finalize the design of our third business that we are hopeful to take off. i also re-enrolled in Sparta so i could finish the Analytics Manager pathway. i ended up finishing 90% of the course except for the last few since i was focusing on my other skills as well. today, i have reenrolled but only in the chosen courses i have left. they gave me a PWD discount so it's much less than i would have normally paid.

in July 2023, it was my first time to travel abroad! go, Singapore! i love the place and it reminds me how much the Philippines could be so much better if only we had good leaders. but sadly, we only have leaders that are focused on optics. not so much on accomplishments. PRRD did a lot in his term and nobody will be able to come close to what he did as he steered us through COVID-19 as a country. but today, we're still not a Federal Philippines.

i was also able to finally get a research proposal approved but until now, i haven't moved too much on it. in time, i will be able to. i just have too much on my plate.

we also finally introduced Cham2 to the pack! he's currently doing great. even better. he's got some dominance concerns but he should be fine. he even got some of the girls pregnant! my goodness.

in August 2023, i was fortunate enough to invite the SPC clinic staff to go visit our studio and dental clinic. it was meant to be a benchmarking trip and they were able to get some insights on how we want the new clinic renovation to be.

in September, i was finally given membership in PAAAMMI. i'm thankful to my Consultant for guiding me through the process and for introducing me to the world of Aesthetic Medicine. there is less stress and more learning, even more family time here. but i still love Surgery. a few weeks later, i was also able to upskill with another learning center in Manila. it was great to widen my network with more than a few actual practitioners. the sad thing is that one of the models tried to take advantage of me. in short, the most expensive cases are often for free.

i also had one of the bigger challenges in my physician life. i was about to take an afternoon nap when i was informed that at least 10 students were having active fluid losses (vomiting and diarrhea). i felt there was something unusual about it so i had to rush to school. at the end of the day, we had about 50 students who needed our help. and thankfully, only a few had to be rushed to the hospital and they all eventually got discharged after a few days.

the funny thing about it was that it was one day before our official opening of the newly renovated clinic. another achievement for this year. how wonderfully the Lord makes all His plans work for everyone. imagine, if the renovation did not push through, our base hospital would have been overwhelmed with the 50 or more patients at the same time.

in October 2023, i was woken up by a loud crash and it turned out to be from a tree crashing down on the fence we built. this also signaled what would be one of my greatest challenges in my life.. the ones against family.

this month, we also welcomed Erick to the faculty! finally! great to have him.

in November 2023, we had problems with my maternal clan. i never thought we would get here but it wasn't a battle of our choosing. so i must go through with it. this will be a subject of another post.

it was also the first time for me to address a forum sponsored by the CES. it was on HIV, a topic i had to prepare a few hours earlier. it was a great experience because i was able to focus on the rise in cases not based on the person but by the behavior. this felt like a homerun to me.

i was also able to defend our research study for the school clinic. a big win for me personally since i have never done it before at that level.

i also received my Diplomate rank from the PCHA.

oh, by the way, my baby arrived!!!! and she's a girl. :)

in December 2023, not only was this the first Christmas we had with the baby, but it also signaled how the family dynamics was changing. again, the subject of another post. but i have also formed a huge part of my identity based on my family, but because of what happened and the things they did, maybe God allowed it to happen so i can focus on my baby.

either way, thank God for 2023. what a year it was.

I Will Never Have Peace.

 maybe im just getting older. there comes a point in life when amidst all the noise and everything going on, all i want is the opportunity to sit down and take a deep breath.

if im fortunate enough, maybe id have some food in front of me. nothing spectacular or extravagant.

never underestimate the humble 3-in-1 and crackers.

long story short, i am beginning to understand why too many chefs spoil the pot. or something like that. 

don't act like you're the leader when you're self-appointed.

there will always be one chef who believes he is doing everyone a favor by not taking the lead with consent, but to actively override anyone who dissents and acts like hes the only chef on the table.

i abhor it.

and for that, i have come to accept.

until the chefs are taken out of the table, i will never have peace.

on the rare times i allow myself to just breathe, you just have to come in and stab me.

though i will never stab you back, i will remember what you did.

and no, what you're doing is not okay. 

after all, you are the living embodiment of "everyone is equal. but some are more equal than others."

"Apat Ang Specialty Ko."

a few days ago, i had the opportunity to go to a national convention. it was great. being the curious person i am, it was refreshing to see how much i could learn about newer fields of medicine.

and everything was well and good. until i went to the socials that night.

i was just minding my own business while looking at the booths when one of the organizing staff (non-physician) asked a person (physician) who she newly met and asked, "ano po ba pala specialty nila?"

"wag na. haha apat ang specialty ko." he said.

that made me think. it made me reconsider how i live my life.

i just finished david epstein's book "range" which gave a different viewpoint of how the world is right now and how it should be.

it notices the world is somewhat in love with some being a specialist at the expense of losing out on a more balanced and wide-ranging generalist education. i suggest anyone who's ever felt like me, jumping around and feeling suffocated by being confined to one field of interest alone, should consider reading it.

short read. good breadth of topics. not too deep. exactly how generalists should be.

and i fault myself.

i have been going into different fields of medicine, as well as those outside of it because i feel like i am missing out.

almost everyone who knew me earlier than medical school knows i dabbled into broadcasting, producing shows for both television and radio, teaching, etc.

and i enjoy it. i truly do find it exciting to discover new fields and experience them as they are.

but going back to the convention where i was hearing their conversation.

of course, it wasn't meant for my ears (or was it for the general public to hear? sinadya marinig para magyabang?).

but it felt off. still deciding if it falls flat or wide enough from the mark. it just didn't sound right.

it felt like a combination of arrogance.

to be fair, mine is more of indecision and restlessness for discovering the world. (maybe he meant it that way. if so, he needs to work on his communication skills).

so the lesson for me is maybe next time when someone asks me what my specialty is, i would have to say i'm still figuring it out.

or maybe, that i have none. i belong to everything and everyone.

A Surgeon's Respect.

in one of those run of the mill busy days, we had this patient who needed to undergo hepatobiliary surgery. she was a young woman, in her mid twenties, who probably had a bit too much samgyupsal (or any fatty food).

when it came to doing our surgical rounds, i accompanied our consultant-surgeon, who was giving the last minute instructions to our patient as we prepared her for surgery.

sample tattoo for show. it was more of an eagle/dragon on the opposite side. but you get the picture.

this was an important moment. as we were checking her abdomen for the last time, this great surgeon said..

i-try namo nga mapreserve siya. (we will do our best to preserve it.)

that immediately brought a sense of relief, as we could see it on her face. 

nahuwasan gyud.

you could tell it was an issue she was contending with regarding the surgery.

and as you guessed it, the surgeon delivered. the tattoo was immaculate.

more patients to you po, sir. 

The Age of Dogs.

i remember the first time my father introduced me to dogs. i was around 5-6 years old, and dad somehow called me downstairs to the living room. i went downstairs and to the left, just in front of our ancient television set that was still not that ancient that time.

i squatted and he motioned for me to look at the back door, and there they were. two dogs came in rushing inside as if saying, "hello!!!!! it's me! love me!"

and i did.

dad named them Prince and Princess. Prince was a generally white dog mix with a brown "mask" covering the left (or was it the right?) upper side of his face. Princess, was black and white but i can't remember too much.

it makes me sad knowing things were much of a blur after. yes, it was definitely a core memory. later, i was outside, and tried pulling out something that was stuck in one of my dogs' mouth. it was a blue (or pink?) plastic that in hindsight may have contained food carelessly left somewhere. the dog gagged but it was a deed i would remember.

sadly, the next few memories i have of them were seeing them dead. i'm sure one was already rotting at the time as the smell was something that led me to the discovery. i never was able to ask dad how or why they died. that's something that i can still ask mom though.

still, the next thing i know, i was asking dad where he buried my first two dogs. and that's the end of it.

no crying. nothing iconic. nothing too dramatic. but still core memories for me.

and i still visit them now and then.

fast forward to today. i learned recently that some of the puppies we gave away did not even last 2 years. is this a breaking point in dog ownership? yes, accidents happen. 

but two things that do not count as accidents to me are: an aunt knowingly taking a puppy out to "show off" despite repeatedly being told by the owner-niece that the puppy was not fully vaccinated yet. the poor baby girl got parvo and died. end of story. the aunt pa ang galit.

meet Apollo, or Poypoy. this chap was two months short of his 17th birthday.

another story involved two puppies. one owner who, long story short said, "kung maligsan, maligsan." quite difficult to accept and i still have some trouble dealing with now. and it did. another, a sibling, died some 6 months later because of what i saw to be parvo. but no visits to the vet. just typical "tough don't care" attitude.

never again.

so what is the point of this post then?

i remember asking my dad how old dogs get to be and he told me about how his dogs died of old age, generally, except for those accidents. i thank dad for his stories and his introducing me to the love of dogs.

i hope to do the same.

so if someone asks me, "how old do dogs get to live?"

i'd say, "as old as you love and protect them to be."

The Winners.

this is unplanned. i'm surprised how more peaceful everything seemed the moment i saw the new post on this tiny little corner of mine.

so i push.

count. we learn to count when we are young. some in school. some through our parents. and some in the school of life.

it was always a mix between awe and amusement when i would hear or meet a person who did not go through any formal education but somehow knew how to count when money was involved. i see it as a survival skill. as well as the value of grit.

counting down was part of my life for a few years. there were times when i would do a radio show and i had to somehow arbitrarily make a list of all the top 5 songs of the week, based on the number of requests the station got from everyone.

but this is different.

i'm trying to be efficient. or it feels that's just the best way to go at this point. maybe for lack of inspiration or direction. but not for a lack of trying.

because 10 takes away the value of having just 5.

here are my life's top 5 changes since the last time i went deep into this.

1. dad's gone. i am now fatherless. that might be an extreme thing to say. all i have left is my Heavenly Father to be my only source of security. i knew this would eventually happen, but not this early. i need to write something on that. hopefully soon.

2. i'm married. i finally got a change to tie the knot in December 2021. that's 5 months after dad died. and quite a number of years since i met my wife. but somehow, the timing seems not off. it's just right. it could have been earlier but it feels like that would have taken away from the moment it was supposed to happen. another post for another time. 

3. i now have 9 dogs. doggos. furbabies. far cry from the 3 i had going for me.

4. i'm now a researcher/professor. i knew teaching was going to be for me. i see it as something i can do for quite a long time. but to do that fully, i had to go into research. this is something i hope to do more now.

5. i am now a licensed physician. first year resident in general surgery. so much to learn. good thing i have some time.

Depersonalized.

 hi. how have you been?

do you still remember me?

it's been twelve years. six since our last conversation.

i hope you do remember.

some memories can be painful.

things are not the same. and they never will be.

still, let me try.

Resistance to a Cartel

today i come out to write.

two years seemed to have slipped away, just like that. a multitude of things had already occurred in my life and yet none were documented on this tiny space of mine on the internet.

so what have i come to write about?

its something which involves this.

piston

 the simple piston has its uses but it has been politically charged by groups from the left.

you see, the past three or four administrations repeatedly attempted to modernize the PUJs in the country and yet these relevant organizations have been rallying against it.

voicing out your opinion is okay but there comes a time when it becomes too much. the modern PUJs should have been rolling on the streets twenty years ago. but this has all been stopped because of the issues these groups keep pushing out.

are we afraid of change? shall we not aim to modernize and improve the safety of the riding transport? it has been too delayed. these groups should not be allowed to function like cartels, monopolizing a legitimate public service for self-interest.

yes, there should be a buffer to help those who cannot immediately afford this modernization. i believe that is what the government is doing when theyre opening up P2 billion worth of financial support to enable this change. there is more but the point is we cannot let minute self-raised issues affect the interest of the riding public.

stop giving this country a hard time. be the true heroes you say you are. represent the people. modernize the transport system. be part of that change, not get left behind.

The Loneliness of a Debater

to debate is to be lonely.

for the longest time, i have once again found myself struggling with scarcity in how to express my thoughts. scurrying through my newsfeed revealed a skeleton in my closet. it is lonely to be a debater.

of course and as expected, many a debater might find themselves arguing with my point but that is normal. id like to share how things have been for me as a debater.

when you are someone who knows how to debate, you often find yourself in the middle of an argument or conversation. it may just be a simple presentation of thoughts, a discourse or whatever event may have triggered the exchange, i dare say that debaters may find themselves lonely.

i say this because of the value of relationship. your relationship with other people is far more valuable than winning an argument. and when you are aware of this, it is hard to argue with people who dont know how to argue.

for so many times i have decided to just keep to myself just because i value these relationships. in a playful banter during a drinking session, a friends of mine were discussing their thoughts on politics. in a few seconds, there was a rich source of fallacies which would simply not stand in a proper debate.

argumentum ad hominem. argumentum ad passiones. argumentum ad populum. and so on.

people should be taught how to structure arguments with proper analysis in order to address issues and not the people saying them. this training should be initiated in childhood and carried out throughout the lifespan.

this is not one of my best entries.

The Caring and The Dying

i'm inspired to write this because of what has been happening to me the past few days. i'm quite alarmed with the fact that this week alone, two of my friends have passed away and i also found out that we already lost a few patients since coming into the rotation this month.

so i'd like to take time to share so you might consider how to treat someone who's already on the verge of death or in the process of dying.

give time. the dying person is someone who is doesn't want to be alone. yes, he might want some privacy every now and then but one of the worst things you can do to that person is make him feel lonely. no, it doesn't mean that we're required to never be any more than 12 inches away from him. rather, what this means is that the person must know that he is cared for, loved and supported. the challenge is to make him feel this way without suffocating him.

give consideration. we've all seen it before and it's not necessarily a bad thing. let me ask you; how does the average Filipino family express their love and concern for their patient? chances are you thought about feeding him. for the most part, this is true. nutrition is very important in the health care setting. but have we ever considered if the person really still wants to eat? it's been documented that among the dying, some have complained of being overfed. one patient even said that he wished his wife would stop stuffing the apple pie down his throat every chance she got. of course, the intentions are good. but it's better to ask the patient how he was instead. or more specifically, if he wanted to it. imagine, it would be hard to think of eating if you're in pain and finding it difficult to swallow, yes? we have tubes for that, too.

forever on replay.

give control. in most cases, a person who is dying has lost control of everything that is happening in his life. he is often left feeling bound to and responsible for everything -- especially the financial and emotional burden of his care. though there is little we can do about it, it's also good to know that it's still possible to give that person control. consider the little things. does the person want the light on or off? is he okay with the temperature of the room or does he want it warmer/cooler? would he prefer his own clothes instead of the hospital gown when he's not undergoing procedures? does he actually like to watch those pinoy movies on replay or nora aunor and her himala? on a more serious note, is there any legality or paperwork he would like done without being manipulated (provide privacy for that)? are there any things he would like taken care of when he moves on? what are his advanced directives? is there a time limit he wants before pulling the plug? these things matter to the dying. let them have this control. remember, little as they are, a little is always more than nothing.

give recognition. nobody wants to be stereotyped. a person would do almost anything just to avoid labels, would he? the same goes for the dying. how would you feel if we get remembered as 'bacterial pneumonia'? how about 'urinary tract infection'? or even worst, the 'immunocompromised'? as medical professionals, we are often guilty of remembering patients by their diseases or conditions. this is not exactly wrong but wouldn't it be better to remember our patients as real persons, too? i actually tried this today and invested more time with my patient. i discovered new things and i felt my personal growth happen. this really had a positive effect on my outlook and life. not to mention, his blood pressure also went down significantly to almost normal after our talk. yes, according to family medicine, healing happens when there is communication.

with all these things shared, i am well-aware that i'm just a newbie doctor. i'm not even done with internship, and let alone licensed! but still, i hope you take it in good consideration that aside from medicines, most of the healing takes place in a familiar environment and every person we come in contact with will always come off better or worse because of us. let's all choose to make everyone, and especially the dying, better about themselves.

the message here is to give. let us be the giving kind of people. and leave it up to God Almight to give back according to His sovereign will. 

Of Netizens, Keyboard Warriors and Armchair Generals

call them "netizens" if you find them agreeable. call them "keyboard warriors" if you don't.

it is hard to disprove that sans legal processes like a census or an election, these same opinions can and should always matter. the method or means of communicating a certain position on certain matters does not devalue someone's position.

let's consider the term "armchair generals". this is one of the more popular ways for someone to call another person out when there is a disagreement online. the accuser (or one who uses the term to describe the other) usually does so, in an effort to taunt the other. it's like saying the other person's only way of contributing to society as a whole is his words and can never back it up with action. 

personally, i find this approach sleazy, unfair and a symptom of someone who's basically given up winning an argument or discussion. in parallel, it's challenging a fistfight knowing you could not outargue a person.

definitely, not the smartest thing to type, no matter how your fists (or fingers for that matter) might say otherwise.

keyboard warriors accusing others of being keyboard warriors as well.

but again, "armchair generals". is there anything wrong with playing one's opinion up online? again, on the flipside, is there anything wrong with putting your opinion out offline, like a magazine or newspaper?

and dare i ask, "is there anything wrong, then, with the whole democratic election process since we decide and do vote upon an armchair?"

simply said, calling someone a keyboard warrior doesn't make you any less of one. so, get off your self-imposed pedestal.

my say is this; stop taking the weaker position of labeling people and start addressing their opinions head-on. though i cannot say for certain, if jose rizal were alive today, i'd consider him to be one of the greatest armchair generals. he would've undoubtedly taken advantage of the reach of social media in order to express his opinions.

In Pain There is Gratitude

there was a time in my life when pain had literally taken over every bit and aspect of my life. i never thought it would actually come to that, but it did. and i sincerely am glad it happened.

if you're the movie buff, then we may have something in common. there were a few movies in the past decade which i frequently dwelt into whenever i would have my pain bouts.

do you remember the saw series? yes, those were some pretty shocking films. to the average moviegoer, it would have been just blood and gore. but if you really consider the message, these movies really had two things going for them; gratitude and the value of pain.

it locks you in and there's pretty much no escape from there

so i recall myself waking up in the middle of the night more and more often because of the pain. i have experienced pain before but this was quite different.

the first time i had a laminectomy, it was in december, 2003. the pain started 3 months later after i screwed up carrying a heavy weight without the proper body mechanics. i paid for it dearly. 

the pain would also be like this. it would start from my back and radiate downwards where the pulses would end just before my right knee. it was like having the blunt end of a pen being driven into your skin and going down. couple that with your back suddenly getting tight and leave you unable to move and in another type of pain which i would describe as being crushed by your own muscles. in short, it was not pretty. the surgery pretty much fixed that.

the second time though, presented differently. i never thought my condition recurred since it had a different manifestation. the first one was relieved by the fetal position. the second was relieved by nsaids. so all the while, i thought it was a different condition. but i was eventually wrong.

the nsaids would lose efficacy and rather than strain my liver over higher and higher doses of medications, it was time to surgically deal with it. the pain would start as slow cramps which would eventually consume your whole leg and hip. just so we all have the same idea on this, consider the most painful cramps you had your whole life. multiply it by 7 months with 2 or 3 hours on nsaid-relief in between. by the way, i was also doing my internship then. this meant that despite not being able to walk or stand more than 30 seconds at a time, i was still doing my 36-hours shifts.

this is a scene from the saw series. i never thought i'd say this but whatever it was she felt, my leg also had a story to tell

the good thing though was that after 3 days of finding it too difficult to take care of myself and be absent for the same period from the hospital, i decided that it was time to go home. another adventure later, it was all over. i still do have some artifacts from the surgical experience but that's gonna be a topic for another post.

if there's any good that came out after my two whole ordeals of almost dying in the operating room, it's gratitude. i have since become even more thankful of and for the life i have. the pain has also taught me to focus on the present. that's because most people have no idea how long time seems to be when you're in constant pain and still working.

i have also read some pain websites about living with pain (yes, i went up to that point) and they all provided another interesting point to their readers. they said that pain was a "reminder that we were still alive".

do i have any regret from my entire experience of being in pain for the last 7 of 9 months? not much.

but if there's anything, it would be how i discovered some people never really believed me and thought i was faking it. even when i was in pain, unable to move, sighing and grimacing. 

at least now i know what kind of people they really are.

I'm Excited About Something

the next few months are going to be very exciting. i'm currently on duty as i write this but i can't help it. i'm just really excited. i know i appear to be detached or mostly sport a poker face but the truth is, things really run around in my head more than i would prefer.

so what am i so excited about?

well, i care a lot about the concept of holism. which directly means i was really affected when some of the people (i actually consider real friends, even more talented and gifted than me) had to take a few subjects again.

but think about it; in about 3 weeks' time, they're also gonna be putting on their junior intern uniforms! i can't wait to see how much they can offer the world. and.. i can now freely predict some of the things which i believe will happen to them in the near future.

basing on my experiences with our midyears (who are currently on their last rotation, yey!), they are going to be very dynamic. they'll know how to take charge when their colleagues will need them to. and they will endure the toughest times relatively unscathed. maybe even better.

they will also be more ready to teach, share and mentor.. be passionate with what they do as they pass along everything they know to the incoming junior interns come april 2015.

new batch served hot and fresh! tag-Php 5.50 lang!

(credit goes to potandprayer.blogspot.com for the image)

and how do i know this? it's quite simple, really. they were the ones who taught me.

because frankly..

skills-wise..

it was a midyear who taught me how to properly do the ECG again. it was a midyear who taught me how to finally do the digital rectal exam with full confidence. it was a midyear who taught me how to insert the IV line without double-guessing. it was a midyear who gave me the confidence to extract blood and get it right the first time.

personal growth-wise..

it was a midyear who imbibed the value of teamwork. it was a midyear who shared how things don't have to be harder than it is. it was a midyear who taught me the wisdom i needed to go on surviving junior internship.

so, in reality, i'll forever be grateful for what they have taught me. and nobody can ever take away their contribution to the "next generation".

i find these things plausible since they will be able to bring in more energy into our duties compared to us who (may have) already dwindled ours down. to add, i may have even arrived at a point wherein i'm starting to believe having midyears (read fresher peeps!) are necessary to ensure the integrity and order of the jobs we do and workload we freely bear.

in theory, the thought of having newer faces to work with will also generate variety into our work and duties. that alone would already re-energize this current batch of junior interns. 

that is, if we ascribe to the saying, "variety is the spice of life."

and we definitely need some spicing up as we surge past the halfway mark in our junior internship careers. after all, it's always nice to be working with your friends again.

in short, they will bring in more excitement. and when you bring in excitement into something or anything you do, that will always make you a winner.

now, that is something i need to learn again. who knows, maybe from them.

KUDOS!

The Naked Truth About "The Naked Truth"

it's been all around the news recently. the bench underwear fashion show has been drawing a lot of publicity; both good and bad.

still, people should just chill and stop overreacting. seriously, they do have the right to express how they feel, but assaulting my newsfeed with everything about it is just not nice.

so, people, just chill. it's a show.

a lot of people may dignify their stand and put themselves on the pedestal (as what is similar to the  phenomenon known as the white knight syndrome) by saying either:

1. i'm too numb - to even care about the plight of women

2. i'm too naive - to see how everything is always "deeper" and it's "repercussions" of "how society really thinks about women" blah blah blah

3. i'm brushing it off - well, i have every right to

like, come on.. can we just chill? it's true that some people may find some aspects of the show objectionable, it's not everything. huwag masyadong OA.

yes, i know. women get raped everyday. and if you didn't notice, guys get raped everyday, too. so it's not mutually exclusive. by any means, rape is never funny and should never be taken lightly. it's just that i think these people are overreacting. wag naman ganun.

it's just a show.

just to emphasize a little of my example of how i perceive their reactions to be, here are a few examples.

why so seeerrryyyyuuuuuusssss???? 

[in best joker voice possible]

normal person: i'm going to enjoy my sashimi tonight.

OA person: that fish may have been alive while it was being sliced! how cruel!

normal person: wow! a dolphin! i've never seen one before! they're so amazing! and they perform tricks, too!

OA person: they shouldn't be in captivity! think of all the hundreds of helpless dolphins mercilessly being slaughtered in scandinavia just for a stupid rite of passage!

normal person: let's get some petrol for the trip.

OA person: let's stop supporting petrol! it's destroying wildlife everywhere! and the oil leaks!

normal person: i think i'll choose starbucks instead of my 3-in-1 coffee today.

OA person: you're so elitist and discriminatory!

normal person: wow! it's very kinky sexy! that's just how a pinoy version of fifty shades of grey would be like!

OA person: that's rape! discrimination! women's rights! objectifying women! blah blah blah

so.. just relax. just saying

Is Social Media the Great Equalizer?

i had an experience a few months ago in dr. jose fabella memorial hospital. a man and his pregnant wife came in the out-patient department very well after the cut-off time. as expected, they were told that it was already closing and they should come in earlier next time. it must also be said that we were still going to see his wife despite that. but...

apparently hurt and unwilling to accept this gentle correction, he did not take it too lightly. instead, he came back maybe an hour later neurotic. he was laughing, sweating and smiling as if he was just the most powerful man in the world. he just had this certain look on his face as if he had all the power and influence to destroy us and said, "ipapa-facebook ko kayo! mga bastos kayo! dahil mahirap lang kami, ginaganito niyo na kami! anong klase kayong doktor!!!"

in short he was threatening to take pictures and videos of us in order to "shame" us on facebook for having a cut-off. this is what makes this wrong. he saw social media as a great equalizer among social classes. without a doubt, he saw himself as inferior to the physicians and midwives. but he, too, expected us somehow to bow down to his every need. that was just crazy.

it's not always absolute

okay, and i am not exaggerating. in the midst of this development, t turns out that he was a cellphone technician and he was just beaming with pride how he had a "tita" who worked in the Department of Health. My goodness. wow.  the arrogance.

i'm not even that interested what kind of job his "tita" does have in the DOH because it doesn't matter. but frankly speaking, even the rank and file still do technically "work" in the DOH, right?

what i realized in this is that, we must not always take things at face value. even when it comes to social media.

ethics dictate that the other side should always be given a chance to explain. but had he gone through with his threat, do you think the general "sharing" public would've given us the time? of course, not. they might be too excited to just share the next would-be viral video of again another victimized  member of the masa.

Developmental Task

it's not rocket science, not even medical science, which is more interesting.

at an early age we were taught to keep quiet during examinations and even after we're done for the sake of those who were still taking the exams.

i may have learned that in my elementary days in ateneo de davao university. (and no, before you react, it's not about the school).

it's currently beyond me how some people think it's okay to just go out and boisterously be loquacious as if nobody else is there. it's not.

it's an act of selfishness and not only a lack of awareness but of concern that other people might actually exist in this world beyond ourselves at that specific point in time.

sometimes it's not that easy as it seems

but i do have a certain explanation for this particular behavior i know i have also been guilty of in the past, especially in high school.

it is not a longshot to assume we all have our fixations developmentally. there's supposed to be a developmental task which escapes me now. it's about how things (and by extension, people) still exist even if we don't see them or are beyond our perception.

i guess that's it.

no, i am not a moral compass of some sort. but i do believe a little consideration wouldn't hurt

Medical School Reveals You

"doctors are assholes." there is simply no sense in sugarcoating what i'd often hear within the hallowed halls of a nurses' stations' corridors.

but, can we really blame them?

it's been more than a year since my last post and now i can finally say that i have successfully penetrated the ranks and files of the MDs themselves. i am now a junior intern. it's not much. but it's also not nothing.

just like any other profession, there are different personalities involved and not one specific personality can ever lay claim to be the stereotype of what a doctor is. still, i would to state a little observation of mine.

ngayon pa lang, lumalabas na ang mga ugali ng mga tao.

you see, i didn't know it then but medical schools doesn't change you. it simply reveals you. people have every right to change which is why i also believe there is some truth about the ability to change into something better or worst. but i also believe that there are certain limits of "change" that our personalities can take. this is why it all just conveniently falls into the whole reveals you thing.

i'd like to recall what happened to me a few months ago as a junior intern rotating in family medicine. we were at the emergency room and attending to the (usually) dozens of medico-legal cases which automatically are surgical cases.

one of the most colorful hospitals i have ever seen.

after the residents had already decked the patient in the surgical service, i did what was supposed to be done and brought some of the patients to the opposite side of the room. that's when the first bout with the personality happened.

one of the staff who was on duty there told me, "ang dami naman niyang binibigay niyo sa amin! surgical ba talaga ang mga yan?!!" this went on probably the whole night.

i don't know about you but i really found it very arrogant for that someone to say that. i mean, why say that? is it even necessary? we only do what we're supposed to do. and frankly, wala sa lugar.

magkakalevel lang naman kami. nanggaganun na?

the easiest thing to say is that probably that person was stressed. but is that an excuse? does that justify the attitude?

i believe it doesn't. we are junior interns. we take the patients as they are. we can't really choose our patients, especially in the emergency department.

as far as the whole personality thing goes, there are again assholes in all professions. it's just that medicine seems to make some of us believe it's more okay for us to be assholes than normal.

no, it isn't.