I Will Never Have Peace.

 maybe im just getting older. there comes a point in life when amidst all the noise and everything going on, all i want is the opportunity to sit down and take a deep breath.

if im fortunate enough, maybe id have some food in front of me. nothing spectacular or extravagant.

never underestimate the humble 3-in-1 and crackers.

long story short, i am beginning to understand why too many chefs spoil the pot. or something like that. 

don't act like you're the leader when you're self-appointed.

there will always be one chef who believes he is doing everyone a favor by not taking the lead with consent, but to actively override anyone who dissents and acts like hes the only chef on the table.

i abhor it.

and for that, i have come to accept.

until the chefs are taken out of the table, i will never have peace.

on the rare times i allow myself to just breathe, you just have to come in and stab me.

though i will never stab you back, i will remember what you did.

and no, what you're doing is not okay. 

after all, you are the living embodiment of "everyone is equal. but some are more equal than others."

"Apat Ang Specialty Ko."

a few days ago, i had the opportunity to go to a national convention. it was great. being the curious person i am, it was refreshing to see how much i could learn about newer fields of medicine.

and everything was well and good. until i went to the socials that night.

i was just minding my own business while looking at the booths when one of the organizing staff (non-physician) asked a person (physician) who she newly met and asked, "ano po ba pala specialty nila?"

"wag na. haha apat ang specialty ko." he said.

that made me think. it made me reconsider how i live my life.

i just finished david epstein's book "range" which gave a different viewpoint of how the world is right now and how it should be.

it notices the world is somewhat in love with some being a specialist at the expense of losing out on a more balanced and wide-ranging generalist education. i suggest anyone who's ever felt like me, jumping around and feeling suffocated by being confined to one field of interest alone, should consider reading it.

short read. good breadth of topics. not too deep. exactly how generalists should be.

and i fault myself.

i have been going into different fields of medicine, as well as those outside of it because i feel like i am missing out.

almost everyone who knew me earlier than medical school knows i dabbled into broadcasting, producing shows for both television and radio, teaching, etc.

and i enjoy it. i truly do find it exciting to discover new fields and experience them as they are.

but going back to the convention where i was hearing their conversation.

of course, it wasn't meant for my ears (or was it for the general public to hear? sinadya marinig para magyabang?).

but it felt off. still deciding if it falls flat or wide enough from the mark. it just didn't sound right.

it felt like a combination of arrogance.

to be fair, mine is more of indecision and restlessness for discovering the world. (maybe he meant it that way. if so, he needs to work on his communication skills).

so the lesson for me is maybe next time when someone asks me what my specialty is, i would have to say i'm still figuring it out.

or maybe, that i have none. i belong to everything and everyone.

A Surgeon's Respect.

in one of those run of the mill busy days, we had this patient who needed to undergo hepatobiliary surgery. she was a young woman, in her mid twenties, who probably had a bit too much samgyupsal (or any fatty food).

when it came to doing our surgical rounds, i accompanied our consultant-surgeon, who was giving the last minute instructions to our patient as we prepared her for surgery.

sample tattoo for show. it was more of an eagle/dragon on the opposite side. but you get the picture.

this was an important moment. as we were checking her abdomen for the last time, this great surgeon said..

i-try namo nga mapreserve siya. (we will do our best to preserve it.)

that immediately brought a sense of relief, as we could see it on her face. 

nahuwasan gyud.

you could tell it was an issue she was contending with regarding the surgery.

and as you guessed it, the surgeon delivered. the tattoo was immaculate.

more patients to you po, sir. 

The Age of Dogs.

i remember the first time my father introduced me to dogs. i was around 5-6 years old, and dad somehow called me downstairs to the living room. i went downstairs and to the left, just in front of our ancient television set that was still not that ancient that time.

i squatted and he motioned for me to look at the back door, and there they were. two dogs came in rushing inside as if saying, "hello!!!!! it's me! love me!"

and i did.

dad named them Prince and Princess. Prince was a generally white dog mix with a brown "mask" covering the left (or was it the right?) upper side of his face. Princess, was black and white but i can't remember too much.

it makes me sad knowing things were much of a blur after. yes, it was definitely a core memory. later, i was outside, and tried pulling out something that was stuck in one of my dogs' mouth. it was a blue (or pink?) plastic that in hindsight may have contained food carelessly left somewhere. the dog gagged but it was a deed i would remember.

sadly, the next few memories i have of them were seeing them dead. i'm sure one was already rotting at the time as the smell was something that led me to the discovery. i never was able to ask dad how or why they died. that's something that i can still ask mom though.

still, the next thing i know, i was asking dad where he buried my first two dogs. and that's the end of it.

no crying. nothing iconic. nothing too dramatic. but still core memories for me.

and i still visit them now and then.

fast forward to today. i learned recently that some of the puppies we gave away did not even last 2 years. is this a breaking point in dog ownership? yes, accidents happen. 

but two things that do not count as accidents to me are: an aunt knowingly taking a puppy out to "show off" despite repeatedly being told by the owner-niece that the puppy was not fully vaccinated yet. the poor baby girl got parvo and died. end of story. the aunt pa ang galit.

meet Apollo, or Poypoy. this chap was two months short of his 17th birthday.

another story involved two puppies. one owner who, long story short said, "kung maligsan, maligsan." quite difficult to accept and i still have some trouble dealing with now. and it did. another, a sibling, died some 6 months later because of what i saw to be parvo. but no visits to the vet. just typical "tough don't care" attitude.

never again.

so what is the point of this post then?

i remember asking my dad how old dogs get to be and he told me about how his dogs died of old age, generally, except for those accidents. i thank dad for his stories and his introducing me to the love of dogs.

i hope to do the same.

so if someone asks me, "how old do dogs get to live?"

i'd say, "as old as you love and protect them to be."

The Winners.

this is unplanned. i'm surprised how more peaceful everything seemed the moment i saw the new post on this tiny little corner of mine.

so i push.

count. we learn to count when we are young. some in school. some through our parents. and some in the school of life.

it was always a mix between awe and amusement when i would hear or meet a person who did not go through any formal education but somehow knew how to count when money was involved. i see it as a survival skill. as well as the value of grit.

counting down was part of my life for a few years. there were times when i would do a radio show and i had to somehow arbitrarily make a list of all the top 5 songs of the week, based on the number of requests the station got from everyone.

but this is different.

i'm trying to be efficient. or it feels that's just the best way to go at this point. maybe for lack of inspiration or direction. but not for a lack of trying.

because 10 takes away the value of having just 5.

here are my life's top 5 changes since the last time i went deep into this.

1. dad's gone. i am now fatherless. that might be an extreme thing to say. all i have left is my Heavenly Father to be my only source of security. i knew this would eventually happen, but not this early. i need to write something on that. hopefully soon.

2. i'm married. i finally got a change to tie the knot in December 2021. that's 5 months after dad died. and quite a number of years since i met my wife. but somehow, the timing seems not off. it's just right. it could have been earlier but it feels like that would have taken away from the moment it was supposed to happen. another post for another time. 

3. i now have 9 dogs. doggos. furbabies. far cry from the 3 i had going for me.

4. i'm now a researcher/professor. i knew teaching was going to be for me. i see it as something i can do for quite a long time. but to do that fully, i had to go into research. this is something i hope to do more now.

5. i am now a licensed physician. first year resident in general surgery. so much to learn. good thing i have some time.

Depersonalized.

 hi. how have you been?

do you still remember me?

it's been twelve years. six since our last conversation.

i hope you do remember.

some memories can be painful.

things are not the same. and they never will be.

still, let me try.