I Will Never Have Peace.

 maybe im just getting older. there comes a point in life when amidst all the noise and everything going on, all i want is the opportunity to sit down and take a deep breath.

if im fortunate enough, maybe id have some food in front of me. nothing spectacular or extravagant.

never underestimate the humble 3-in-1 and crackers.

long story short, i am beginning to understand why too many chefs spoil the pot. or something like that. 

don't act like you're the leader when you're self-appointed.

there will always be one chef who believes he is doing everyone a favor by not taking the lead with consent, but to actively override anyone who dissents and acts like hes the only chef on the table.

i abhor it.

and for that, i have come to accept.

until the chefs are taken out of the table, i will never have peace.

on the rare times i allow myself to just breathe, you just have to come in and stab me.

though i will never stab you back, i will remember what you did.

and no, what you're doing is not okay. 

after all, you are the living embodiment of "everyone is equal. but some are more equal than others."

"Apat Ang Specialty Ko."

a few days ago, i had the opportunity to go to a national convention. it was great. being the curious person i am, it was refreshing to see how much i could learn about newer fields of medicine.

and everything was well and good. until i went to the socials that night.

i was just minding my own business while looking at the booths when one of the organizing staff (non-physician) asked a person (physician) who she newly met and asked, "ano po ba pala specialty nila?"

"wag na. haha apat ang specialty ko." he said.

that made me think. it made me reconsider how i live my life.

i just finished david epstein's book "range" which gave a different viewpoint of how the world is right now and how it should be.

it notices the world is somewhat in love with some being a specialist at the expense of losing out on a more balanced and wide-ranging generalist education. i suggest anyone who's ever felt like me, jumping around and feeling suffocated by being confined to one field of interest alone, should consider reading it.

short read. good breadth of topics. not too deep. exactly how generalists should be.

and i fault myself.

i have been going into different fields of medicine, as well as those outside of it because i feel like i am missing out.

almost everyone who knew me earlier than medical school knows i dabbled into broadcasting, producing shows for both television and radio, teaching, etc.

and i enjoy it. i truly do find it exciting to discover new fields and experience them as they are.

but going back to the convention where i was hearing their conversation.

of course, it wasn't meant for my ears (or was it for the general public to hear? sinadya marinig para magyabang?).

but it felt off. still deciding if it falls flat or wide enough from the mark. it just didn't sound right.

it felt like a combination of arrogance.

to be fair, mine is more of indecision and restlessness for discovering the world. (maybe he meant it that way. if so, he needs to work on his communication skills).

so the lesson for me is maybe next time when someone asks me what my specialty is, i would have to say i'm still figuring it out.

or maybe, that i have none. i belong to everything and everyone.