I Wish You Were Here, Dad.

Dear Dad,

How are you? How's everything there that is beyond this world?

I'm trying to stop the tears from flowing as I write this.

I know you're in a better place because that's what God said. For if what God said is true, and if God is true, then I know you're probably having the time of your life.

Dad, I'm not doing so well. I'm struggling. 

I am experiencing the typical midlife crisis of being torn between so many paths. But at the same time, dad, I just wish I could talk to you.

I know the afterlife is real because God spoke through His Word that seers are not supposed to speak with the dead. And maybe have the dead speak back, that is. But He allowed it once with the prophet Samuel. 

So maybe He could allow me to speak with you? The chances of that happening are so slim. So I can God to tell you this instead. 

Dad, I miss you. I miss our conversations. I miss how you find some way of keeping everything grounded. Whenever I am overwhelmed, things become more real, but surmountable. Grounded.

Dad, one thing I always appreciated in you is that you never minced your words when the situations called for it. Alam naman natin how different my brother and I's trajectories are. But to you, we were both your sons. 

I uploaded dad's photo since I knew he wouldn't mind.

Whenever we talk, it was never about what was accomplished and who did it. It was just a quiet or silent acknowledgment that I had followed the program. That I had done well enough to merit a seat at your table. You were never about keeping someone out. But I just felt seen as someone who did what was expected. Not as a comparison, but just a recognition. And I appreciated that. Whenever we talked, I felt that I could be heard fairly and reasonably. Not dismissed as an afterhthought just because, "anak ka lang."

Sabi ko nga, I'm struggling. A part of me doesn't want to believe it. But am I struggling because I am cut from the same leather as you? Is it because I am dealing with the same people you did? Or is both happening at the same time?

Dad, I trusted you before I could speak. So I trust you now. So I will let you know. I am struggling.

You might be wondering what I am struggling with. It's about life, dad. There are people making life difficult. More than it should be. 

Have I told you yet, dad? Being a father made me realize how difficult things may have been for you. I remember the time you were so depressed that you couldn't move. I wish you fought harder, dad. Because it seems to be the only choice I have left. 

Thank you for keeping your word na magpapacelebrate ka when I would pass the board examination. At least may isang party natuloy at may laman ang sinabi.

Thanks, dad. Usap tayo ulit next time.